About a month ago I found out my husband of 8 years cheated on me. More than physically, he thought he was in love with her and supposedly, quickly realized he wasn’t. And then came the Apologies, the I Love You’s, and the I’ve Changed or Am Changings.
A woman with self esteem issues, with 3 kids, and a hopelessly romantic heart begins a battle. The one between her brain that says “leave him” and the heart that whispers in the dark “but I love him”.
My first anger reaction was I’m done. But as my anger subsided, I talked to my pastor who told me I could and should give it time. Time to really listen for an answer from God. And then before I left he prayed that God would give me an answer and that, when it was time, I’d hear it plainly. So I spent my time praying, endless amounts of time, thinking and praying, keeping up with 3 kids and working. In the last two weeks though, the Apologies began turning more into what I did wrong, what he had needed from me, how I wasn’t enough for him. And yet, even with all the things he was saying, my hopelessly romantic heart was still praying for some kind of miracle. Was still hoping one day he’d change.
Maybe that should have been my answer from God. And I think on some level my head knew that, but my heart kept pressing on. So, I continued my prayers.
My answer finally came through loud and clear last night when I found out that,about a week ago he started sleeping with her again. That message, rang loud and clear in my head and my already broken heart. So, I know what I must do.
But….as the picture and song states, when your dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part. But waking up everyday, knowing the person you were so linked to is gone from your soul. That the link that connected you is gone…that half of yourself is gone, that can knock the breath out of you. Over and over. Tonight it’s hard for me to even fall asleep because it’s just to painful.
So I’ll find a way to go to sleep and turn around and do this…
Best Wishes,
Faleesha
Musings of a Melancholy Phlegmatic 