I’m Not a Game to Be Played: I’m a Game Changer

For the past 5 months I have been healing…well kind of healing. I’ve played games and been played a few times. I tried one night stands and friends with benefits. And those 5 months did their part in healing me. Healing a part of me that was completely broken after my husband cheated. I used them to make the pain stop for the little bit I was with them. I used them to boost my confidence, to make me feel wanted and needed even if it was only for my body.

Somewhere in February everything started changing. I began to want more. To want something more permanent, more serious. I want to be wooed. I want flowers and conversations. I want a 5 date rule or however many dates it takes to get to that point. I want something more.

So I deleted my dating accounts because all those guys are looking for is what I was doing, not what I’m wanting to do. I decided to stop looking for love and focus on finishing the healing progress. To focus on my kids and my job. And then, if a guy shows up in my life I won’t be his game to play. I’ll be his game changer.

What is game changer? It means I will be an all or nothing type of girl. I want it all or I give nothing of myself anymore. I can’t lose any more pieces of myself. So, I’m changing the game. 🙂

Forever,
Miss Melancholy

Things I’ve Learned From Being “Friends”

Almost 3 months ago, I physically moved on from my husband. And as I started that journey I thought too myself “yea, this is going to be great. No one will be able to hurt me, just fun”. Since then, I’ve learned quite a few things.
1: If you are a relationship person, that’s probably not going to change. I am the girl who loves to cuddle. I love to lay there next to someone and just talk and be. I love sleeping next to someone. I love texting someone when I’m thinking about them. But in a friend’s with benefits relationship, you’re not really allowed to do that. Lucky for me, my first FWB understood that I’d never done that before and was very patient with me, while putting the rules in place clearly.
2: One night stands can hurt a melancholy heart even more. I had a few of those while looking for a different FWB. And most of the time, they left me feeling worse than I already did. They left me empty as I watched them dress and leave. It left me hurt and broken when I never heard from them again. But, I guess if it’s not there, it’s not there.
3: The most important rule I’ve learned: Don’t choose a nice good guy for a FWB. He will heal your heart from your ex with his kind words, the way he looks at you, the way he understands you. He’ll do whatever he can to make you smile, to help you feel better. And if you are broken…he’ll slowly be putting those pieces back together around himself without meaning to. He’ll be completely honest and tell you he only wants friends. But you’ll get emotionally attached to his kindness and forget he is someone who really wants no emotional connection. So don’t use a good one to scratch your physical itch….it only bites you in the end.

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This is where I fail epically at the whole FWB thing. I end up wanting more. Wanting someone to fall into after a bad day. Someone to share the good moments with. Someone to text good morning and good night because they are on my mind when I wake up and when I fall asleep. Someone to wake up next to. I start off good, and I always pick the good ones and ending up wishing for more.
Now, I’ve realized I’m over the friend thing. It has helped me heal some. It has played it’s part. Now on to better things.
As Always,
Miss Melancholy

7 Months Down, A Lifetime To Go

It’s been months now, about 7 months since my world changed. I find myself stronger, but doubting my strength all the same. I am still married. I have been trying to get divorced through legal aid, but there’s always some reason they can’t currently take my case. So, now I’m waiting for tax time and I’ll do it myself.
Since my last post, I have moved out of my parents house, out on my own. I have tried to heal my broken heart in many ways, none of them fully successful. So all I can do, is keep moving forward. Keep picking up the pieces. I have had to tell my husband “no you can’t come home” a few times, which does not help the healing process at all.
It’s not that I don’t wish it could be different. I just know that there is no way to go back. No way to fix what he so carelessly broke. Most days I’m still barely breathing. Walking around pretending everything is fine. Making choices to help me momentarily forget the pain, the loneliness, the emptiness. Choices that usually 95% of the time, leave me even more empty, lonely and broken. (But I have a whole different post on those choices that I’m working on.)
It’s been 7 months….and someday still hasn’t come…Will it ever?
Always  Forever,
Miss Melancholy

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An I Miss You Night

Tonight is an I miss you night. A night when the house is quiet and sleeping and I feel that dull ache in my heart to be held. Not just by anyone but by my best friend. An ache to lay in your arms and tell you about my day. To tell you my deepest and darkest thoughts and know you’ll never judge me. To feel a warm body pressed next to mine as I drift off to sleep. But none of those will be a reality. Instead I will fall asleep tonight with this ache in my heart and the loneliness that keeps me surrounded. I’ll fall asleep and wish I could wake up 3 months ago and stop you from tearing our marriage, our family and me apart. I’d tell you all the pain you were about to cause. I’d tell you about all the overwhelming hurt we all would feel. Would it stop you? Would it change the past? Would you make a different choice? Or would She still be the one you lost us all for? Tonight I’ll go to sleep knowing that when I awake, it’s to start over again. Every morning I start over with building up my happy fake face. With pretending I don’t miss you with every breath I take. Tomorrow I awake to reality. Well with the baby, reality comes several times in the middle of the night. But for now, I’ll go to sleep, with the tears rolling slowly down my face and with the wish that it was a different reality I’d wake up to. Only 3 months, but it feels like forever.

In a few days, I’ll file papers I never thought I’d file. In a few days, I begin the slow process to one day, not being legally yours. In a few days, everything changes again. But until then…

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Seventy-Three

That’s how many days it’s been since I found out. 73 long days and 73 even longer nights. I haven’t a doubt in my mind that divorce is the right option. I haven’t a doubt that I’m better off with out him. Except at times I question how to do this. I question how to raise three kids on my own? I question how I will keep my sanity? I question who could ever love me? And three kids? I question how I will ever trust again?

I ache for love. Not just sex, but true companionship. I long for nights cuddled in bed just talking. I long to lay my head upon the chest of my best friend. I think of all the things I miss most about Derek, it is my best friend. I could tell him my darkest secrets and he’d never judge. If I was broken he held me and helped me pick up the pieces. I never expected to have to face the day where that was no longer possible.

Today I realized that even though it’s better he doesn’t text me or call me, I still miss it. I miss that connection. So I sent him this poem I found:

Back Of My Mind
Words & Music by Louise Taylor

There you are like a breath
on the back of my neck
with few regrets forever,
in the back of my mind

Here I am thinking
that I’m somewhere else
wondering where you might be if only,
in the back of my mind

In the back of my mind
there’s a space for us
a time and place for us
and it’s remembered with love
I could tell you all my story
about a time when I was …

Ahh… but there I go again
tasting something that’s not there
feeling you move through the thin air
for a moment, in the back of my mind

It’s always been that way
since I can remember
and boy can I remember you
In the back of my mind
In the back of my mind

But then a little bit later that sick feeling I had when he was cheating (before I knew) came back. Which in turn made me wonder if he was still with her, seeing her, screwing her. But as the wave of sickness forced it’s way up, I fought to remember that it’s none of my business. I keep thinking I’m doing fine. But then something, a song, poem or simple thought, throws me back and I’m missing my friend and lover.

Worse than all that is my exhaustion. Nala is teething, got her shots and having a growth spurt. The main time I’m angry is at night when I’m fighting a cranky baby. I wouldn’t give her up for anything, but this was suppose to be a 2 parent gig.

Well that’s my update for tonight.
XOXO,
Miss. Melancholy

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Still Grieving 2 Months Later

It’s been 2 months since I found out my husband had cheated on me. 2 months, that feel so much longer. 2 long months of constant, undiluted pain. 2 months of pretending I’m fine around everyone. And laying in my bed praying for an end. 2 months of knowing and one month until I file for a divorce. Words I never thought I’d utter. Words I never thought would soon become a reality. 27 and divorced.

I try to not even talk to him anymore. All we do is fight. We know I’m keeping the kids, we know I’m staying here. We know he’s most likely staying there in Minnesota which is good for me and my fragile heart, but horrible for the kids. But where he goes, what he does, or he does it with no longer matter, or at least that’s the lie I tell myself. I know he’s still been seeing her. He’s honest about that. And all I can do is pretend it doesn’t make my heart stop beating, make my stomach sick. All I can do is lie and hope my broken soul believes it. But now work is calling me, so I must go. But I’ll update soon.
Be Blessed,
Miss Melancholy

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